My Heart Breaks

Today, I sit here feeling so incredibly guilty!

For at least a year, I've been listening to my family and friends tell me that it's time to put Sally down.  I've always fought back with the response..."but she hasn't lost her spirit."  Anyone that has ever been around Sally knows that her main drive in life has been People Food.  She would attack it if it were in her reach....stealing sandwiches off the counter, or out of your hand was not an uncommon occurance in our home.   However, on Thursday...she showed little interest in her dog food.  (We have had to switch her to canned for sensitive stomachs because she has hardly any teeth.)  And I put a few scraps of my left overs in her bowl...and she turned her nose to them.  So I texted Johnathan to call and see what time the vet would be there if we were going to take her in Friday morning.

I've always said I don't want to plan putting her down...as it just seems so wrong to plan death.  With every ounce of my being...it seems wrong.  Especially since she was just old....not hurting....

He called back saying he made her an appointment at 10 Friday morning.  So we sat the girls down and told them what was going to happen in the morning.  Ashlyn cried, and Jadie didn't have much reaction except she was glad Sally wouldn't follow her anymore.  (Jadie is always walking around the house with food so Sally follows her...and it scares Jadie)

I gave her a bath and loved on her as much as I could Thursday evening, and Friday morning.  I felt completely terrible for initiating putting her down....as by late Thursday night her appetite picked back up....she even jumped to get food that I was pouring out of a can into her bowl.  So my justification for putting her down had vanished.  I asked Johnathan if the vet said it wasn't time....what would we do....He reassured me that it was time.  That if Sally puts on a show for the vet...that doesn't mean it isn't time.  We live with her everyday, so we see the signs...

She walks crooked,
She falls a lot,
She drags her back leg,
She can't hear anything,
She can barely see,
She is skin and bones,
She can't control her bodily functions,

These are signs she isn't having the quality of life that she deserves....and I know that....but in the same breath...she hadn't lost her spirit.  I worked at a vet clinic long enough to know that dogs don't eat when they are hurting...(She was eating still....) and when it's an animals time to be put down...they always let you know.

So....I took her to the vet, where Johnathan was waiting.  Johnathan came around and got Sally out of the front seat.  She didn't even stand up when he opened the door....she just laid there....(Another sign)

The technician (who I used to work with) took her out of Johnathan's arm's and took her to the back to put a catheter in....

They put Johnathan and I into a room...minutes later, they brought a blanket in, laying it on the table.  They put Sally on top of the blanket.  She was standing facing me....with basically her head in my stomach as I rubbed her ears.   The technician asked me if I wanted to have a few minutes, or to go ahead and send the vet in.  We chose to go ahead and ask the doctor to come in.  Dr. Hunter (who I also used to work for), came in and said she knew it was time...because Sally didn't even budge when she put the catheter in...(Another sign)

She said she was going to give her a little bit to just relax her...she put the needle in...and not a second later...Sally's head hit the table and she went limp.  I so wish....soooooooooo wish....we had a few more minutes with her and I could have gotten her to lay down.  She was gone in less than a minute.  :(

That truly was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Everyone says it's better than finding her dead one day....but I honestly don't think it would have been.  This was all on me...my decision to end her life....and I am beating myself up over it.  Feeling completely...utterly....guilty.

So for those that read this...I ask that you pray for peace....for me....because I am not sure how to handle these feelings.  I can tell myself she was just a dog....but she wasn't to me.  :(